Light in Darkness

Everyone has to lose something, eventually.

I just never wanted to have to face that. I thought maybe, just maybe, I would be able to outrun the demons that haunt everyone else in their everyday lives. But I can't outrun them forever, no matter how hard I try. So, I have to face the fact that even I, will lose something so very dear to my heart.

Today I went for a short run. Just enough to get my heart rate going before I went to practice. I ended up stopping short because something else caught my eye. The way that the clouds covered the trees from the sunlight was something to make anyone stop and  stare. The clouds were thick today. The sun was so bright. But the trees were dark, because the clouds refused to let the light through. However, patches of the trees shown so brightly because the sun had forced itself out of the clouds. 

Now, maybe I'm just over-analyzing this, but I really do believe that the there is significance here. Even in the darkest moments, or the darkest people, there is always going to be something, no matter how small, that will fight and fight and fight to shine through until its' light is bright enough for everyone to see.

Tonight after practice, I received a text that flipped my whole night upside down. My grandma is not suspected to live past this month. I knew that this day would eventually come, but I was hoping that it wouldn't nonetheless.  My grandma has been fighting cancer for what feels like forever, now. I want to say about 5-7 years. She had beaten it once, but it only came back to get her stronger and harder. My grandma is a fighter, and I have always looked up to her for this trait. She always taught me that giving up just is not an option. She would always tell me that by giving up on something, you were letting down your number one fan: yourself. I remember her telling me over coffee and cards, "When you look back at your life, do you want to think 'What would have happened if I wouldn't have given up on that?' By pushing yourself through everything you become the best person you can be. You will learn so much about your personal strength and perseverance. You can't ever give up. You just can't. Nothing good ever came from the people who gave up, you know." And she winked. A week or so later she was re-diagnosed with cancer. I thought for sure that she would have crumbled, lost hope, or just gave up on life. But I was wrong. Instead she forced herself to get out more, do more, be more. She didn't care if she had cancer, she lived the most she could. And when she got sick from treatment, she was still so stubborn and never, ever gave up. I envy this about her, and hope that someday I can show the strength that she has always shown me.

When things started to get really bad, she changed. She became a lot more bitter and upset towards the overall outlook on life. Can anyone really blame her? No. They can't. She was in pain, and she had to cope with it somehow. But even when she was having the worst day ever, she would always take the time to smile about something, or laugh at a memory of when times were better. And then she would think of ways to try to get back to those better times. Always pushing, my grandma, never giving up.

When I called her last week, she was quiet and distant on the phone. I asked her what was wrong, because she doesn't typically stay quiet. She just sighed and said, "You know, after awhile you just get sick of fighting."

I didn't say anything in response. I just let a tear fall.

She sighed on the other end and said, "Keep fighting for me, okay? Don't you dare give up on anything."

I didn't understand why should we say that to me, why after all this time she would just go the complete opposite direction of everything she has ever told me. But after the trees today, I think understand.

I'll let you, dear reader, decide what you think that means.

I can't say that I'm not sad she is going to leave, because I will be beyond sad. But I know that deep down, she will always be here. Even if I can't see her. I've learned so much from grandma and I'm not going to give up on anything, especially not her.


Everyone has to lose something, eventually. But that's life, and you should learn from everything. Especially from your losses, because they will always have the most impact on you.


Barber

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light."
~Albus Dumbledore