I Am Free

There is a box.
I am in the box, alone.
Alone, I am in the box.

But I am not alone.

I am surrounded by my emotions.
By my emotions, I am surrounded.
It is not quiet.
It is not peaceful.
They crowd me - I have no space.
I search for escape, but none do I ever find.
I never find escape.

This box has no doors,
I cannot leave willingly.
This box has no windows,
I cannot see the way out.
This box has no doors, no windows - Just four blank walls.

But the roof is open, taunting me to climb out.
If only I could.
I run my nails across the wall,
my nails cannot grab on.

And as I try, the open top grows farther away.
Only farther away does the top go.
And I jump and plead for it to come back,
but it only gets louder,
it only gets violent.
I become drowned by my emotions.

Anger
Fear
Betrayal
Angst
Hatred

I drown.
No one can hear my cries, the roof is too far away.
Far away is the light, and the hope.
I hide away in my emotions.
I let them take me away.

I hear my name.
I search, and I find nothing.
Find nothing, but still hear my name.
It gets louder.

It's too loud.

I no longer hear my name,
My name I no longer hear.
Instead, just screams.
And then I realize . . .

it is me.

I am no longer alone.
Across from me is a mirror, and I see myself.
I am beautiful.
I feel light shine down on my face - the emotions are fading.

But I do not feel empty.

I feel hope.
Hope runs through my veins and fills me.
Me. No longer held back.
No longer someone else.
I am me,
Me I am.

The roof comes closer.
It gets brighter.
I am surrounded.

Happiness
Love
Excitement
Joy
Hope

The roof gets closer.
It gets brighter.
I am surrounded.

The roof gets so close, the walls fall over.
There is no box.
It gets brighter.
I am free.

Just a Little Tid-bit

Okay.

College, in a nut shell, is one giant test. Of many things. Personal strength, motivation, time management....so on and so forth. These past few weeks have been one crazy whirlwind for me, and while I don't typically like to nag or brag about my life, I have to get all of this off my chest.

Starting with school. I got my first B - ever - in my life this past week. If you know me, you understand how much that threw me for a loop. I became even more stressed out than I already was and now I'm just worried its going to become a normal thing. Ugh... along with school is the varsity sports. I had my first sideline cheer event (on a college level!!!!) and I must say it was one of the best things, ever. I forgot how much I loved cheer. I must say, even though I do love cheer and have missed it, it is doing a number of damage on my body. But it's so worth it.

Classes are pretty good, too. I mean, I can't complain. I have a class called Engineering 1001 and let me tell you, it's 1001 levels of stupid. But aside from that, classes are good. (Just a shit ton of homework. Welcome to college, right?) 

Along with that, I've been traveling up here and enjoying the sights that the upper peninsula has to offer. Just a few weeks ago I traveled to Copper Harbor with some amazing people and I swam in the Superior and climbed rocks to look out over the water. I went to the highest point of the UP and experienced insane wind speeds and took some really funny photos. 

The colors of the leaves are also something to admire. I've fallen in love with just looking out my window. 

I'm also just so happy here, for plenty of reasons.

And one of them has to do with this guy.

And he makes me laugh so much.

And he lets me talk way too much for my own good, and better yet - he listens.

And we have quite bit in common, but enough differences.

And I can be my snarky self without him getting all offended.

I feel comfortable with him, and that's just so great to me. We have this sort of relationship where we tease and toy with one another. All in good fun...
 I just really appreciate him and everything he does for me. I don't think that he realizes how important he is to me, and how important it is to me that he chooses to be so close with me. I mean, don't get me wrong I've made a lot of friends up here that I love spending time with, but there is just something about this guy that is different. I laugh differently with him, and I feel different around him. I've told him so much about myself, and he still accepts me as a human being, which is super cool, and I just feel like I could trust him with my life. Which, is a refreshing feeling.

He remind me so much of... home. If that makes any sense. I feel wanted when I am with him. And I feel safe. And I can really start feeling us becoming best friends, which is a great start to a wonderful bond. It's actually quite exciting.

I wasn't looking for anyone up here, that was never my initial goal. I just wanted to do well in school and make a lot of money and have a wonderful future. Boys were the last thing on my mind. (Which is kind of funny considering where I chose to go to school.) But this guy... he just showed up and took me by surprise. And honestly, I'm not complaining at all.


On another positive note, I got to see my mom and my aunt today. Which was AWESOME! I haven't seen my aunt in almost two months and I was delighted that I got to spend time with them. They are just the funniest people. We were walking into Walmart today, and there was this potato on the ground in parking lot. We all just kind of stopped walking and stared at this potato and my mom says, "Hey Julie!!! I think you dropped your potato!" and we all just started laughing. Then this little girl comes out of no where and says, "Actually... that's mine." and she reaches over, picks it up and shoves it in her pocket. And then she walked away. We all just stared at each other for a second and then we all got lost in hysterical laughter. And that is how my day went, in a nutshell. It was so nice to laugh with my two mothers.

College is going well, life is going well, and my relationships with friends and family are going well. I do miss my best friend back home immensely, and it does sadden me that we rarely talk anymore.... I just fear that we have nothing left to talk about. And it breaks my heart.
Overall, I'm quite happy, and just trying to live it up the most that I can, while I can.

Chipper as can be,

Barber

“If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

Light in Darkness

Everyone has to lose something, eventually.

I just never wanted to have to face that. I thought maybe, just maybe, I would be able to outrun the demons that haunt everyone else in their everyday lives. But I can't outrun them forever, no matter how hard I try. So, I have to face the fact that even I, will lose something so very dear to my heart.

Today I went for a short run. Just enough to get my heart rate going before I went to practice. I ended up stopping short because something else caught my eye. The way that the clouds covered the trees from the sunlight was something to make anyone stop and  stare. The clouds were thick today. The sun was so bright. But the trees were dark, because the clouds refused to let the light through. However, patches of the trees shown so brightly because the sun had forced itself out of the clouds. 

Now, maybe I'm just over-analyzing this, but I really do believe that the there is significance here. Even in the darkest moments, or the darkest people, there is always going to be something, no matter how small, that will fight and fight and fight to shine through until its' light is bright enough for everyone to see.

Tonight after practice, I received a text that flipped my whole night upside down. My grandma is not suspected to live past this month. I knew that this day would eventually come, but I was hoping that it wouldn't nonetheless.  My grandma has been fighting cancer for what feels like forever, now. I want to say about 5-7 years. She had beaten it once, but it only came back to get her stronger and harder. My grandma is a fighter, and I have always looked up to her for this trait. She always taught me that giving up just is not an option. She would always tell me that by giving up on something, you were letting down your number one fan: yourself. I remember her telling me over coffee and cards, "When you look back at your life, do you want to think 'What would have happened if I wouldn't have given up on that?' By pushing yourself through everything you become the best person you can be. You will learn so much about your personal strength and perseverance. You can't ever give up. You just can't. Nothing good ever came from the people who gave up, you know." And she winked. A week or so later she was re-diagnosed with cancer. I thought for sure that she would have crumbled, lost hope, or just gave up on life. But I was wrong. Instead she forced herself to get out more, do more, be more. She didn't care if she had cancer, she lived the most she could. And when she got sick from treatment, she was still so stubborn and never, ever gave up. I envy this about her, and hope that someday I can show the strength that she has always shown me.

When things started to get really bad, she changed. She became a lot more bitter and upset towards the overall outlook on life. Can anyone really blame her? No. They can't. She was in pain, and she had to cope with it somehow. But even when she was having the worst day ever, she would always take the time to smile about something, or laugh at a memory of when times were better. And then she would think of ways to try to get back to those better times. Always pushing, my grandma, never giving up.

When I called her last week, she was quiet and distant on the phone. I asked her what was wrong, because she doesn't typically stay quiet. She just sighed and said, "You know, after awhile you just get sick of fighting."

I didn't say anything in response. I just let a tear fall.

She sighed on the other end and said, "Keep fighting for me, okay? Don't you dare give up on anything."

I didn't understand why should we say that to me, why after all this time she would just go the complete opposite direction of everything she has ever told me. But after the trees today, I think understand.

I'll let you, dear reader, decide what you think that means.

I can't say that I'm not sad she is going to leave, because I will be beyond sad. But I know that deep down, she will always be here. Even if I can't see her. I've learned so much from grandma and I'm not going to give up on anything, especially not her.


Everyone has to lose something, eventually. But that's life, and you should learn from everything. Especially from your losses, because they will always have the most impact on you.


Barber

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light."
~Albus Dumbledore

Forgetting What Isn't Important.

Running.

I've found throughout my life that people look at running in many different ways. Some love it, some hate it. Some tolerate it, and others refuse to ever take part in the activity.

About a week and a half ago, I pulled my hip flexer after running somewhere between 3 and 4 miles. I couldn't run for a little over a week in order for it to naturally fix itself. I really didn't think that it would affect my life as much as it did, but before I knew it I was longing to get out on the trail and just run.

Today was the day that I got to do just that.

Someone once asked me, "Why do you run?" I let that question sink in. Because, no. I do not run in cross country or in track, and running is not on my work out plan for cheerleading. I just do it. And I love it. I replied, "To forget. Even if it's just for a little while." This person just looked at me like I was crazy, but I just continued on, "To get over things that don't matter. Clears my mind."

Running causes me to get a sort of high, and for the period of time that I am engrossed in running, the rest of the world doesn't even exist. Not for exams, not for homework, not for family or friends, not for boys... nothing. It's just me and my feet hitting the floor causing a steady beat. I focus on my breathing.

It's sort of like every breath I take in, is a problem I'm having. And when I breathe out, it's gone.

I ran alone today. First time since I've been up here. I thought it was going to be hard running without my running partner from up here. I thought that running the same trail without him would just make things worse. However, it was just the opposite. I ran past the water we swam in and past the rocks we sat at and talked about out deepest fears. And with every breath I let out, I let go. I forgot the feelings associated with the mundane objects. Not necessarily the events that took place, but I forgot enough to move on.
Running sets you free, honestly.
I also came to the realization that I cannot hold on to the things that don't make sense to hold on to. When I ran today, I realized how waiting for things to happen won't make them happen. Once I got to the end of the trail, I stopped and looked behind me. I saw a couple of things.

Firstly, I saw where I came from. The memories along the way and the bumpy roads I tried to avoid but had to get through anyways.
Secondly, I saw something I could face again, but this time with a new understanding because I had already been there.

I came back from my run and looked at myself as a new person. Maybe that's too deep, but whatever. I let go of the things that were holding me back. I got rid of the silly distractions that made my anxiety rise. And I let some people know how I really feel.

Running is about finding the endurance to keep going even when all you want to do is stop and let the world go without you. The same can be said about life itself. Once this is learned, you can really come to peace with what is, learn to accept what isn't, and strive to get what you want.

Go for a run.

Barber

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

Hallelujah

If you don't know me well.. I love to sing.
Usually in the comfort of my own shower, or when I am completely alone and no one else can hear me. But sometimes... rarely... lucky individuals get to hear my voice.
Up here at Tech, I have become an avid listener of Pandora. I typed in Jazz and let it take me to whatever. This song came on called Hallelujah. And then it came on again and again by different artists. And eventually I had to look up the lyrics and learn them forwards and backwards and had to learn how to sing it. So, needless to say I walk around campus and sing the lyrics and lose myself in the words. It is a beautiful song.

Well, the other day I was walking back alone from dinner and I heard the song being sung...beautifully. I was instantly drawn to the mysterious voice and searched everywhere for him. He was walking in front of me and he was completely lost in the music. I smiled, and when he got to the chorus I started to sing along, just loud enough for him to hear me. He was startled, he paused and looked at me. We both smiled and kept singing, and walking. When we started to part ways we just kept singing until we eventually couldn't hear each other anymore. It was one of the most amazing experiences ever. I don't know this kid, didn't catch his name, frankly I don't even know if he exists. But the fact of the matter was... I sang out loud in public, with a complete stranger. Amazing.

And now? Well, I can never stop singing. It's almost as good of therapy as writing is.

Reader: sing, dance, and laugh. Please, for the love of God enjoy every single second of life. Don't you waste a second thinking that you can't be happy. Sing to the world. Share your voice. Express yourself. Be afraid to blend in.

Musically Yours,

Barber

"There's a blaze of light in every word, it doesn't matter which you heard, the holy or the broken Hallelujah"

Starry Nights and Clear Water

It's weird to think that I haven't even been on this college campus for a week and I've already made memories that will impact my life forever. I've made a lot of friendships already, and even one with a ginger!!!! (which trust me, is very exciting.)
We were put into groups of about twenty people and those people spent pretty much the whole week together. I made friends with some guys and a couple of girls, and I have gone on tons of adventures. I've also had very little sleep. Very very very little sleep... but it is so worth it.
I've made many midnight and later Walmart runs and I've had video game nights that have lasted until 3 in the morning. We even got to the point where the conversations just didn't make sense anymore, and we were all lost in the pure bliss of uncontrollable laughter.
With all of these amazing people and memories, none can quite compare to the adventure I went on last night with a new friend of mine. Growing up where I did, I was often not very daring or adventurous. But last night that sort of all changed. We decided that we needed to go for a walk at midnight down a biking path covered in trees. The sky was completely clear and the stars were so bright.

I don't think I will be ever able to get over the beauty of the stars. Back home, you could drive to a dark area and see the stars and gaze at them. But something about being on the water and the night air being so crisp, and the nature all around it made the stars all the brighter and all the more beautiful. It made me think of my best friend back home. I really do miss him.
I was walking with my friend, just talking and laughing and enjoying the clear air. We found a ledge on the water and sat and just talked for hours. We decided that the water looked like glass, reflecting everything off of it and creating one grand illusion. It won't ever get old.
When 3 AM rolled around we decided that it would be a good idea to just jump into the water and not worry about the fact we didn't have swimming suits. Besides, undergarments are pretty much the same thing, right? We had the most amazing time swimming around and just taking in all of what beauty had to offer us.

This week has been truly amazing and I have had the craziest adventures. So dear reader, I encourage you to walk away from the screen you are staring at and going on into nature and taking it all in. You really don't know what you're missing out on. Go out and get lost and not worry about it. Just laugh and enjoy the little things. This week up on campus has definitely taught me that.

A true nature lover,

Barber

What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality. 
~Plutarch

College.

What. Is. Even. Going. On?

So, I've been up on my college campus (Michigan Tech University!!!!) for almost 5 days now. I must admit, this experience is pretty fantastic. I did think that I was going to miss people from back home, but I sort of shocked myself when I realized that it is okay to move on from certain people in your life. Now, don't get me wrong, I miss the hell out of my besties. My neighbor, my best girly poo, and so on... but the people I miss are the people I'm still texting and skyping and the like.
While I've been here I have made several friends, and we have gone on many exciting adventures. I can officially say that I have made a walmart trip at three in morning for ice cream, and while on our drive there we cranked Wobble so loud that the car literally shook. I've had music sessions with some of the guys in my dorming hall, and I have officially played Mario Kart with the nerdiest of nerds. And it was awesome.
I had my first experience swimming in the cold water up here. It was late and about 900000000 degrees, so my roommate and I and a couple of other guys went down to the lake and just had ourselves a swimming party. It was so great.
I'm meeting a lot of people and am being forced out of my comfort zone. While usually I hate this, I'm loving this experience.

College... here I come. (:

Scholarly yours,

Barber

The most effective way to do it, is to do it.
~Amelia Earhart